Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
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The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
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There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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