There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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