If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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