I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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