did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
