It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
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She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
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I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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