one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
