How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
