Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
