After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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