Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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