my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
