break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
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As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
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We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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