Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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