using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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