"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
