I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
