Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
