I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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