If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
