the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize