Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
