I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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