he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
