Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
