it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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