Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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