Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
