my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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