I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
