things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
