My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
NoShamevember. You game?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
