shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
