Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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