Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
