Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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