when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
