from now on my penis is your penis
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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