i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
