he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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