Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
