He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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