is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
