i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
