Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
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She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
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He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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