If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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