I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
