She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
