whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
