I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize