U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
