I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
