remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
