I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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