I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
