My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
