i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
