you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
