it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Randomize
