My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Still dying that you shit outside
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
